Will you kill if you will not get caught

Will you kill if you will not get caught.

This is was a poster hoarding I saw the other day across the road. May  be it was a new Netflix story or a new amazon prime series – I don’t remember.

But it is an interesting question. Would I kill someone, if I know I will not get caught for doing the crime. On deliberation, let us see who are all the people who actually kill people :

1.       All our soldiers kill, without the killing getting on to their conscience. They do since it is their duty – towards the motherland and towards their other fellow human beings. They have a justification for killing.

2.       Criminals kill- But not many of them get caught. They still lead a free life

3.       Lunatics Kill – But they are not sane and do not understand what they are doing

4.       Politicians /Bureaucrats kill – though not directly, through henchmen, or through police/soldiers whom they authorise to kill.

5.       Doctors Kill – not intentionally, but sometimes their treatment goes wrong and they have death on their hands

Which brings us to an interesting juncture – Do these people carry the killing of people on their conscience. Will it weigh heavy on their heart that they have been instrumental in getting someone most. Do they sleep peacefully. Well, this is a question I cannot answer.

On the question of would I kill someone, If I know I will not get caught – the answer is NO. I cannot and will not kill anyone. I don’t hate anyone so much that I would even entertain the thought of killing. Even if I hate someone, I would leave it to Karma to do the job. That is not my job.

There are instances, when I had wished I had a super big boxer hands that I thrash someone off senseless. There were instances where I have imagined me thrashing and stamping people who have angered me. But that was only in my imagination. That was my own anger let-out therapy – helps me to keep cool and control my emotions.

I don’t know what I would do if it is a question is killing for protecting my loved ones – Like in a movie like situation where, I have to kill someone to ensure the life of a loved one. I cannot bring myself to think that I would kill even then. May be I will look at disabling the threat in any other manner other than killing, if there is a possibility.

I believe that life is very short to entertain feelings of hate, anger, frustration for long. It unnecessarily clogs the mind and eats way time – which I consider is the most precious thing of all. If someone is devoting time for you unconditionally, you should truly appreciate that person.

Rather than entertaining negative feelings in mind, it is better to use the time to introspect and think as an outsider and come up with ideas to deal with such situations.

The journey so far...

I was reflecting on my different phases of career, how I had moved from a wide eyed, full of awe, youngster in my first job as a trainee, to a mid management professional I am now

In the initial stages of my career, I was supposed to be on learning spree – however, I recollect, I was yearning more for gateways to shun away from responsibility and was basking in the newly found complete independence. I was enjoying myself immensely on the power, my position as an auditor gave me, and the respect I could command at the client’s place, in spite of me being a trainee. Evenings were filled with chitchat with friends, trips to various malls in the city, strolling in the beach with friends. The time after dinner time, used to be a long affair. There were times when we chitchatted through the night and till the wee hours of morning.

The most enjoyable part was during study leave. We used to study through the night, with thermo- flasks filled with hot tea and instant maggi to satiate the mid-night hunger pangs. The whiff in the air of maggi cooking in someone’s room used to pull us to that room for a group attack on maggi.

I was always happy then, with not a worry to bother me. My friends used to tease me that I always wake up with a smile on and my stride used to be hop, skip and run. And my roomies and friends would vouch for me, of what a great chatterbox I was. After completing articles-ship, the trouble started - for I had to get into serious employment. And the great hunt for job began.

My other two co-hunters for jobs at the same time, could recollect these moments. Our modus operandi was the same every day. We used to meet in one of their homes. Our weapons, if I could call it, which we carried everyday was the same. Each of us carried a file, which contained copies of our certificates and copies of resumes+ one bag with one umbrella (after a shiver to the bone drenching experience!), a water bottle, mobile phone and some snacks. In addition to these, I used to carry a city map, which I would unfold on the hood of any parked car, to check for directions. The smart phones were still a long way off then. We used to visit consultant offices, and any office where we heard there is a vacancy, go to any and all walk-ins which we could hear upon, and then come back exhausted in the evening. Next day, repeat. This is was on till I landed on my first real job.

The next phase is joining as an employee in an MNC as a fresher, with lots of hopes and aspirations. I am glad that I made some instant friends on my first day, during induction, which I am glad to say, continues till now. I enjoyed the respect which I was able to get from my peers and superiors on account of my professional qualification. But being a fresher, I did not have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders, though, I was ready to take on more. I did not change my hostel, though my workplace was 20Km away and I had to travel for 2 hours every day. I enjoyed the din of bus/train travel and used to listen to music, read books, on the way. Some days, I napped and made up for my shortage of sleep. My working hours were long – used to work till 12 mid night every day and used to return by company provided cab. This job was the first serious step I took towards focusing on my career. I was very serious on the work I did and would be hell bent to finish all the tasks I had scheduled myself for the day. Hence, the long hours. I craved for recognition and kudos for my work, which I occasionally received. The result was, I was too exhausted by the time I reached hostel and did not have time for fun, which I noticed, my hostel gang was having. Sometimes, I used to feel left out.

My next jobs were my steps to improve professionally and when I look back at the journey so far, I don’t regret having taken these steps. Of course, I had a few stumbles on the way. But, as they say, it is the destination that matters; not the path, though it would not hurt, if the path was fun and enriching. I intend and try to choose the path which will be enriching me to groom myself further as a professional, which would be fun-filled and end-of-day, would leave me with a smile on the lips. I have encountered with some good, some not so good and a few irksome bosses and colleagues. I am thankful for all my bosses – the good ones inspired me as how to be; the bad ones, how not to be. Same goes with colleagues. Many of the colleagues have become lifetime friends. Am happy that I have not made any enemies out of any of my colleagues.

The changes in me from then to now, I talk less(some of my friends still carry my chatterbox image, which I guess I lost somewhere along the way), I listen more, read more and try to work less, have become more analytical,  have put on weight, wear spectacles, and am no more a youngster J.

And then life goes on…

Water, water everywhere...

Pitch dark-chilly and eerie night..and you are surrounded by water..you cant hear anything else except the sound of the paddle in the water. There was no sound of waves too. The lake was surprisingly seemed still.

It was as if the surrounding silence was weighing down upon us. The kids seemed to have sensed something different and were surprisingly quiet. After a while, we could not even discern which side is the shore. And to add all to this, it started drizzling lightly. Good that all were dressed in warm clothes and were ready for the cold.

That’s how our trip to Chilika started.

15 minutes before

We had reached Satapada around 7 O’clock. Had tea and packed hot pakoda to have on the way to the guesthouse. We took the row boat at night. There was a power failure in Satapada when we commenced our journey – the reason for dark night. We expected a modern motor boat with generator for light and power, to Ferry us to the Guest house which was in an island in the middle of Chilika. We were in for a surprise when we saw that it was a normal fisherman’s boat, with a feeble motor attached, for navigation. But then, not every day you get to experience Ram Gopal Varma’s movie kind of scenes in real life. We embarked on the boat and set to the island where the guest house is, in the dark, even though I had doubts as to how the boat men will navigate to the destination in the dark. The short sail started and we enjoyed the hot pakoda on the boat using the light from our mobiles.

We reached the island after being on the still waters for the longest half an hour(or was it an hour – I am not sure). The rooms were in a gated boundary and were not of a great quality. There was a deer roaming in the garden, which came in a sweet surprise. The guest house was very low staffed and they changed the  bed-sheets in the rooms , only after we reached. We understood that there was no electricity to the island and the lights were powered by Solar energy. And then we were in for a second surprise! There was no one to cook dinner and if we need food, it meant return trip to Satapada in the chill of the night in the boat and buy food from there. We had taken with us the ingredients required to cook food, expecting that we will give it to the cook and have a simple dinner. Since cook was not available, we decided to cook ourselves on makeshift stove made with 3 bricks and firewood. We borrowed the vessels from kitchen before they closed it for the day. It was a terrific and enjoyable experience, cooking roti and Dalma on fire wood. The food infused with the smoke from wood made it even more tastier and we had delicious dinner. The kids had milk which we boiled in the same make shift stove. 

We doused the fire with water, so that the deer would not get burnt feet, if it accidentally steps on it. Then we retired for the night.

Next day :

Woke up at around 7ish and discovered that water was freezing cold. My fingers became numb when I washed up after brushing my teeth. Went out to the bank of the lake after having tea and savored in the morning scenery - calm lake, with birds chirping and foggy mist.

Came back and started on the boat to Kali Jai. En route, if we are lucky, we expected to see the dolphins.

We understood from the boat men that food could be arranged on the boat. I thought they would have bought the food earlier which they intended to serve us with . Breakfast was cold idli, vada and potato chops, which they had purchased from Satapada in the morning, before picking us up.

It was quite a ride – it was warm and sunny accompanied by cool breeze. For lunch, we were in for a surprise. One of the boat guys, made a make shift choolah(stove) with an old oil tin and firewood, kept on top of algae from the lake, on one side of the boat and started cooking. The heat from the fire in the boat was very soothing for the cold. He made Rice, dal and Gobi aloo baingan Kasa(Cauli flower, brinjal and Potato in tomoto and ginger gravy). He had 2 utensils and a Kadai(Wok) and a ladle. He managed to cook yummy food with only these.

The boat stopped at a place where the dolphins were expected. We were blessed with a few sightings of Dolphins – a few of them jumped a couple of metres away from our boat. It was more of a glimpse.We enjoyed the sight and did not bother to capture them in photograph (we would have failed even if we had tried).

We also managed to see the migrated birds from Siberia and clicked a few pictures.

We reached Kali Jai around 1.00 P.M. I had expected to see a temple on a hill top. I was in for a surprise, to see a ill managed and dirty temple where it was disgusting to go barefoot - for the ground(concrete floor) was so dirty and sticky. Still we managed to walk in that and took some photo graphs.

 Came back to the boat, had lunch and then started off the return journey.

It started raining, when we were half an hour away from the guest house. We managed to get back to that guest house without getting too much drenched, picked our bags and left to Satapada again in the boat, when we were blessed with another sighting of dolphins in the rain.

We started from Satapada to Bhubaneshwar – tired but well satisfied with the trip.

My encounter with.. the Dentist

My mind was recollecting the words from the poem, by Ogden Nash - This going to hurt just a little bit..I knew since a month ago that this had to be done - I should not postpone it further..

I had 29 teeth - 15 on top and 14 below. Unfortunately the 15th walla tooth on top was biting into the empty gum below and I was developing a nasty cheek bite. I was ok to live with it. I was living so, till I had a complete health check up done. I was glad to know that nothing was wrong with my health, and a little perturbed when, the doctor said, I would be even better, if I could lose a few kilograms.Well, I thought, I too wish for that..it would be a dream come true. All was well except the revelation that I had 29 teeth, and the odd man tooth, which was causing the cheek bite was decaying. The dentist who checked my teeth, suggested to go for extraction, or root canal, depending on the comfort of the dentist who would work on it, since it was the last tooth and was quite far from reach of tooth brush.

So started the regime of mine to try to peep at the decaying extra fellow at the far end of the mouth, with the help of two mirrors, whenever I could, much to the amusement of my husband, at my trying to juggle the mirrors to get a better view and at my funny facial expressions.

I had something or the other coming up - be it, guests coming up,interviews to attend or shopping to be done that a month passed by without me doing anything for my teeth. Wait a minute, I had my teeth cleaned up a fortnight ago and that was where I was told to get my teeth xrayed(OPG).The dentist(she was very patient to my queries) wanted to be sure that i did not have any ''wisdom'' tooth coming up on my lower jaw corresponding to the decaying one above. I got the xray done a week ago.

 

 

The rings on the sides are my earrings which I said would not want to take off

The dentist got the copy of OPG in mail.So she called up and got an appointment fixed. I had may apprehensions like would the shape of my face alter after extraction, whether I would be able to chew normally, whether, I would be able to speak normally, if it would be too painful, how long would the local anesthesia last, what I would do if I have unbearable pain after the anesthesia wears off, how long would it take before I could speak, would it bleed very much, would not food particles get stuck into the gum, from where the tooth would be extracted. I got satisfactory answers for all.

My appointment was at 11.30 a.m. My husband came to the dentists' after i reached there. I was scared, I started sweating in the air-conditioned waiting room. I told my husband that I dont want to get the tooth extracted, and that I would live with the cheek bite. Unfortunately, I was called before I could run away. I was given a few injections of anesthesia in the gums. The dentist told me one of the injections would be painful and asked me not to get stressed, since, if I get stressed, the anesthesia would wear off faster and that he would have to give me one more injection. Alas, if I controlling stress was in my control. I was shivering and shaking just after getting the injection. I felt my inner wall of the mouth, on the side of problem tooth swell. But I did not feel the sensation. That area had gone numb. In no time, the dentist pulled the tooth and it was done. They stuffed cotton in my mouth and I was asked to bite on that area. I got scared unnecessarily. I was asked to eat loads of ice-cream, much to my joy. I chose different flavours of family packs. I was not able to speak for nearly 2 hours. After that, I enjoyed my ice-cream, and I am good to go, except for the sore in the mouth where the tooth was, which I am sure will heal soon. As of now, I don't have much pain. Its 6.30p.m now. Need to wait and see after the anesthesia wears off.

Here is the poem by Ogden Nash, which I had enjoyed very much..Hope you enjoy it too.

This Is Going To Hurt Just A Little Bit
One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hopen.
Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.
It is hard to be self-possessed
With your jaw digging into your chest.
So hard to retain your calm
When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm;
So hard to give your usual effect of cheery benignity
When you know your position is one of the two or three in life most lacking in dignity.
And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on.
And it is all cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn't a nerve in your head thatyou aren't being irked on.
Oh, some people are unfortunate enough to be strung up by thumbs.
And others have things done to their gums,
And your teeth are supposed to be being polished,
But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.
And the circumstance that adds most to your terror
Is that it's all done with a mirror,
Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, only they were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,
But all the same how can you be sure when he takes his crowbar in one hand and mirror in the other he won't get mixed up, the way you do when you try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forget that left is right and vice versa?
And then at last he says That will be all; but it isn't because he then coats your mouth from cellar to roof
With something that I suspect is generally used to put a shine on a horse's hoof.
And you totter to your feet and think. Well it's all over now and after all it was only this once.
And he says come back in three monce.
And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest,
That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition
when the chief reason he wants his teeth in good condition
is so that he won't have to go to the dentist.

Civic Sense

I am typing this out, out of disgust and irritation at the degrading civic sense in the so called civilised society. It is a common to sight people making the roadside public urinals, having little affliction to the moving traffic and passers-by. Guess, these people close their eyes while doing the job and lose themselves into the oblivion. You get to see the red graffiti created by people spitting on public walls, bus stops. While we feel it is our birthright to litter whereever we please.

Today I was travelling in the blue bus to work. A north east Indian lady, who I guess would be in her early thirties got into the bus. She was intantly noticeable, since she was very stylish and carried herself with attitude. Not to mention, her red streaked hai, cobalt blue nail color, purple eyeliner. I got a seat which was facing the backside of the bus, which gave me full viewof the bus. She sat in a sit 3 rows away from me. Let me tell you, though this is not a Volvo, it was an AC bus. SHe took out a polythene cover, in which she had cut water melon. She started eating them, only to spit out the seeds all over, inside the bus. No one took notice. I was disgusted to see such behaviour. She noticed me giving irritated looks, but still carried on with her eating(and spitting).I dont understand how people from a civilised society could behave like this.

I dont know if I should have stopped her when she spit for the first time. I dont know if I could have taken to moral policing, if I have the right. Well readers, I require your inputs regarding this..How do we handle situations like these.I feel that - This is my country, my world, I need to take care of it, by helping maintaining it clean and making it a good place to live in. How do we imbibe the same thoughts in our fellow human beings?

Interview Phobia

Folks,  a word of caution.. I am in a bad mood as I am typing this - as,(out of my own stupidity), I have re-lived, yes you heard it correct RE LIVED, as in lived again(in my thoughts), one of the pathetic interviews I had attended. When I say ONE of the pathetic, well you can guess - I have many in the list.

A promise I made to myself while I am typing this out is - I will not post this, till I am employed - so if you are reading this, it means I have landed in a job recently.

I have an interview phobia - on the day of the interview, I feel feverish, get chills, have sweaty palms and feet, my mouth becomes dry, feel my legs would give away and I would fall down,have constant fear that I would not be able to recollect the things I know - well these are some of the symptoms. There are many symptoms, that I cannot even describe. Fortunately, all these are not visible on the outside(I presume), since, I felt, that the interviewers viewed me as a confidant and intelligent person.

Well this was an US based company, recently set up its office in India, though has been doing business in India for quite some time.

I had already done a telephonic round of interview(well, thats is what it is called these days), and this was my face-to-face round.The office is was in one of the largest IT parks in Bangalore, and it was huffing and puffing, long walk in the afternoon humid climate, from the main gate.

I reached the place on time. The security was doing the receptionist job. I called the HR on his mobile. He came with a big smile on his face and said that the CFO had not yet come back from lunch and hence asked me to wait. @#%!, it was 3.30 p.m. Alright, I waited till 4.00 p.m and the great man came in. He noticed me sitting in the reception and asked - ''Monica??!'', I jumped up and acknowledged. He asked me to follow him and took me to a meeting room.

Well I am not going to go into the details of all the questions he asked.Most were related to the position, and very few were related to my past experience.They wanted someone who could handle the whole gamut of Finance(accounts, audit, MIS, tax, compliances  payroll, and what not). I said, though I did not have experience in handling most of the things, I would take this up as a challenge and give it a try. Nope..they did not want any trials,they want some one who could right away handle everything. Then why in the sweet hell did they call me for an interview. They pretty much could deduce what my strengths are and what my previous experience and expertise is from my 45 minute telephonic interview.

''Monica, you know this?no, well we are looking for someone who could handle that. You know that? no, well we need expertise on that''.

I was pissed off. I felt as if I was called for an interview just to me intimidated.

Now, comes the BAAP of all the pissing offs - ''Tell me, are you trustworthy?''. 

When I answered yes, ''Prove it''.

How the hell would anyone prove trustworthiness? I still controlled my temper, and in an even tone, said that trust is something which gets built over time and that had not done any untrustworthy acts in my past. 

''Give me an instance, where you proved you are trustworthy'' 

Seriously reader, I don't know others lives, but I have not been given an opportunity in my professional life where in I could prove my trustworthiness.I am very bad at telling lies and that too, if I had to concat it instantly, I fail miserably. So, I stuck to truth and said, that I do not have any instance

I was given a sarcastic smile and was urged to think. I stuck to my stance.

One more question where I find myself tongue-tied is - ''What are you as a person?''

 I would love to hear from you reader, what your answer would have been in similar situation.

 Date : 07/02/2013 5.21p.m.

The Day after rain

Little Chintoo, woke up early. He slid down from his cot on to his tiny legs. There was no trace of sleep in his eager wide eyes. The moment his chubby feet touched the floor, ''Ma, the floor is so cold; what happened when I was asleep? Did you wash it? Is it just like my skin feels cold after bath''.

Radha, his mother, smiled, listening to her son's start of his day long chatter. She hugged him and said, ''it rained yesterday, after you slept, chintoo baba; thats why the floor is cold.''

''Ma, why does it rain? How does it rain?'', Radha, considering that, Chintoo is too young to be explained the scientific reason behind the rain said ''God sends rains to wash the earth, the trees, which we could not wash, he takes the water from the oceans, invisibly, stores it in his overhead tank which he hides in the clouds and whenever required, he sends rain from a giant shower in the sky.It is so far away in the sky, that we cannot see it''

'' Ma, why dint you wake me when it rained. I would have liked to watch it'', so saying Chintoo, ran to look outside from his balcony. "Ma, look!! All the plants in the balcony have taken bath; the buildings are washed too.God has also washed our car. Everything looks so clean.Ma, why does not God wash everyday; just like you bathe me everyday.''

 Radha was surprised by Chintoo's question; she did not know what to say. She said ''Çhintoo, there is no enough water even in the oceans, to wash everything on earth everyday.So, when God feels that earth needs a wash, he sends rains.'' Chintoo did not look satisfied with Radha's answer. ''Ma, why dont we give some water to God from our tap, so that, he would be able to send rains everyday?''Chintoo, water from our tap is also provided by God, he gives preference to little boys like you''. 

Chintoo, stood watching from his balcony for a while, and said '' ma, from now on I shall never cry for taking a bath. All the colors, the green trees, the grass, the pavement, the buildings, our car, look brighter, after the rain. I like the frsh smell too; Ma, from now on, my favorite day is not my birthday; it is the day after rain.''

Radha realised the beauty after the rain, after looking through her son's eyes. Sometimes, a little soul stirring is required, to be able to enjoy the little joys of nature, which otherwise, people fail to notice, caught up in the hectic schedules of life. Radha was thankful to her son for that.She also felt proud, that her son is able to appreciate the beauty of nature, instead of being inclined to material things.